view member journals

�

I REALLY LOVE THE MAN I'M WITH HE MEANS ALOT TO ME BUT WE ARE NOT THE SAME ANYMORE WE HAVE DRIFTED APART AND THE FIRE IS BURNING ON ITS LAST LOG I KNOW I MESSED UP OUR RELATIONSHIP FROM THE START BUT I CAN'T BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT THAT IT WAS OVER A YEAR AGO NOW HERE I AM TRYING TO BE WITH A MAN AND WONEDERING AT THE SAME TIME DOES HE LOVE ME OR WILL HE TEAR MY HEART OUT. THE REASON FOR ME SAYING THIS IS BECAUSE WHEN I CHEATED HE CHEATED SO THERE WENT THE TRUST AND WE TRIED SEPARATEING BUT TADA HERE WE ARE AND NOW I'M BEYOND OF PUTTING STREETS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND STRIVEING TO GET BACK OUR SHINE HE HAS CHANGED AND ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE FOR ME TO AT LEAST ASSUME HE'S CHEATING AND IF YOU HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON YOU KNOW WHAT SIGNS I'M TALKING ABOUT THE YES AND NO CONVERSATIONS,PUTTING THE PHONE ON SILENT OR HERE'S THEGOOD ONE NOT COMEING HOME HMM MAKES ME REALLY WONDER....

How wierd it is to say that I am looking for love..I do not mean SEX..which one can think about . The meaning that I have for love is something above it. Its the value to the relationship given and way its� expressed. Hope to find one soon...

Perhaps it is the beginning of a mid life crisis...perhaps it is the 7 year itch...perhaps�it is because he has always been in my heart...Whatever the reason is it doesn't matter now. I am on the fast track of this affair and the irony is...this is the second time we have had an affair with each other. The first time I was 23...N was 29 and engaged. I had met his fiancee and even liked her. His circle of friends let me in quickly and we began to hang out often...it also helped that he and his friends hung out at the bar I worked at. After work one night him and his friend were going back to his place and invited me along. I went and as we were talking I looked over and something had changed...I don't know if it was something in my mind or something in my heart but it took me only an instant to realize that I was starting to fall for N. His impending marriage didn't matter to me at that moment. I had fallen for a guy that was going to be married within the year...

It has been just over three years since I have written on this. I thought all was going well in my marriage and then he walked back in. I heard his voice and called him...all was platonic; all was innocent. He was just a friend from the past. He came to my house, we talked and I sent him on his way...I was married and happy. The fertility issues still at the forefront but we had plans. One by one those plans began to deplete. We lost our bar, my husband couldn't find a job we had no money for the procedures for the bundle of joy that would fulfill my dream of being a mom. I began calling him often then in October I made a bold move. I met my past fling at his work and gave him the journals I had kept on him all those years back (9 years to be exact). He read part of them and asked me out for a drink. Being married to an very jealous husband I didn't want to risk being seen so we went to his place...when� he kissed me I knew there was no turning back...he is still in my life and says he cares for me and will wait for me. My husband is picking up on the vibe that something is off and I am pulling away from him but I feel bad because he has not really done anything wrong. I know this is all a bit confusing and the story will begin to unveil itself as these enteries add up. Right now it is a classic love story. I love him and it is my fault that I can't have him...

I want to start blogging this year about my weight problem, i don't know wich bloggs are out there, I think would be good journal everyday what i do, I eat, my progress etc,

Good God! red wine, fudge and flannel pajamas!! excellent :) hahaha

Life is going smoothly.....internship is going well more responsibility, got an interview on Friday to shoot jewlery, had a date last week and gave a guy my number on Sat and turns out he called hahaha, walked today felt energized, made really yummy spaghetti and now watchin more and more lost show is so fantastic I love it! Oh yah installed adobe creative suite 4 oh goodness CS4 can't wait to play!!